It is a normal response for the person to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers the brain to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. While most people understand the effects of trauma, there is often a much more subtle form of trauma, which we trauma therapists call “egg shell walking”. Let us explore what this means and how it impacts people.
During an abusive relationship, whether it’s a friendship, familial relationship, or a romantic relationship, patterns are established by the abuser and the person being abused. These types of behaviors by an abuser can be gaslighting, verbal manipulation through degradation, shaming in public, humiliation, making threats, yelling at a person, all in an attempt to control the person being abused.
If the person being abused cannot or does not get out or away from this type of dysfunction, the person being abused develops a pattern of behavior in order to cope with their situation. In order to try to make life less stressful or to lessen the amount of abuse, the person being abused will often times try to change what they do to try to avoid attention from the abuser. Put another way, they may try to “fly under the radar” so that there is less of a chance of something negative happening to them.
Those of us in the trauma world have a name for this way of acting, and we call this “walking on eggshells”. Walking on eggshells essentially means tiptoeing around their partner, significant other, or family member in order to avoid emotional blow ups, mood swings, criticism, forms of disapproval, or put downs. If there is physical or sexual abuse in the relationship, this can also be a way of minimizing the chances of that happening as well.
The problem with doing this is that while the chances of being hurt by the abuser goes down and it helps people survive, when people do this, they begin to lose touch with themselves. They may start to be unsure about what they like or what they want, and they learn to shut down who they are to keep the peace within the relationship. Along with this, people often start to shut off their emotions and become numb to things, both positive and negative things that may occur.
Over time, they begin to question their own validity as a human being, and may even question reality. We have worked with grown adults who are unsure what they like to do, how they feel, and who are more focused on what other people want. Sadly, the damage this causes is deep and it takes time and effort to help people reconnect with themselves. Not only that, but this type of dysfunction and abuse sometimes doesn’t end with the can be passed down generation after generation.
It’s very hard to get out of the cycle of this type of behavior. Many times, children who experienced these patterns of behavior find themselves around similar people as an adult, without realizing what’s happening. If you are in an abusive relationship, consider getting out, and also consider going to see a therapist to learn how to be healthy and think differently. Long term abuse and the impacts it has on us can be corrected, but it takes a willingness to step outside of your comfort zone and do something different. Even if the comfort zone is unhealthy.
Sadly, some people don’t want to change the way they are, and see no reason to do so. If that is the case they will often live the same way, and pass on their ways to their children, who in turn could continue to pass on to their children. This happens everyday, in every part of the world.
If you feel that you are in a situation that you are unhappy with, that makes you feel unworthy, not validated, or makes you question reality, you can get help and you can change. Seek out a trauma therapist that focuses on these types of behavior and get help. Reach out and talk to someone, and if you feel our life is in danger, either from yourself or your partner call a crisis hotline, or the police.
The same advice is true if you had to suppress your feelings growing up, and are now struggling in relationships or struggle with fully connecting to yourself. You may also find it hard to know what you are feeling, and you may have trouble figuring out what interests you, even as your able to tune in to what other people like and want. Here too, seeing a trauma therapist who has experience helping people with these issues can be truly life changing.