You check your phone for the 47th time today, heart racing as you scan for any sign they've texted back. When there's nothing, that familiar knot forms in your stomach—the one that's been your constant companion since you met them three months ago. You tell yourself this is just what love feels like, that the sleepless nights spent analyzing every word of your last conversation and the way you've reorganized your entire schedule around their availability is normal. After all, isn't this the kind of all-consuming passion that movies are made of?
But deep down, something feels off. This doesn't feel like the healthy, stable love you've always wanted. Instead, it feels more like an emotional rollercoaster that you can't get off—one that leaves you feeling simultaneously more alive and more anxious than you've ever been. You find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly scanning their face for signs of how they're feeling about you, and when they pull back even slightly, it feels like your world is crumbling.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. What you might be experiencing isn't actually love—it's something called limerence. And while it can feel incredibly intense and real, it's often rooted in deeper patterns related to attachment anxiety and past experiences that have shaped how you connect with others.
The good news? Understanding what's really happening is the first step toward breaking free from these exhausting cycles and building the kind of secure, fulfilling relationships you truly deserve. You don't have to keep riding this emotional rollercoaster forever.
Keep reading to understand what might really be happening—and how therapy can help you find your way to healthier, more peaceful love.
What is Limerence? Signs You're Not Just in Love
Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to describe an involuntary, intense romantic attraction characterized by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an overwhelming need for reciprocation from the object of your affection. Unlike healthy love, which grows and deepens over time, limerence often feels immediate, consuming, and frankly, exhausting.
When you're experiencing limerence, your thoughts become hijacked by this person. You might find yourself replaying conversations over and over, searching for hidden meanings in their words, or spending hours crafting the "perfect" text message. Your emotional well-being becomes entirely dependent on how they respond to you—a smile from them can send you soaring for days, while perceived indifference can send you spiraling into despair.
The physical symptoms are real too. Your heart races when you see their name on your phone. You might lose your appetite or find it hard to sleep. Some people describe feeling almost high when things are going well, followed by crushing lows when uncertainty creeps in. It's not uncommon to feel like you're losing yourself in the process.
Take Sarah, for example. At 28, she thought she'd finally found "the one" when she met Jake at a work conference. Within weeks, she was checking his social media multiple times a day, analyzing when he was last online, and feeling physically sick when he took longer than usual to respond to her messages. She rearranged her schedule to be wherever he might be, stopped hanging out with friends because she was always hoping he'd text, and found herself unable to concentrate at work. "I thought this was just what real love felt like," she told me later. "I had no idea there was a difference."
But here's what's important to understand: limerence isn't the same as love, and it's definitely not the same as a simple crush or infatuation. Healthy love involves mutual respect, emotional safety, and the ability to maintain your sense of self within the relationship. Infatuation is usually lighter and fades naturally over time. Limerence, on the other hand, feels compulsive and often gets stronger when the other person is inconsistent or emotionally unavailable—which can keep you trapped in cycles of hope and disappointment.
Limerence vs Love: Key Differences You Need to Know
If you're reading this and thinking, "Why do I keep ending up in these situations when my friends seem to have such an easier time with dating?" you're asking exactly the right question. The truth is, not everyone experiences limerence, and there's a reason why some people are more susceptible to it than others.
Limerence often stems from what psychologists call attachment anxiety—a deep-seated fear that the people you care about will leave you. This isn't something you consciously choose or a character flaw you need to be ashamed of. Instead, it's usually rooted in your earliest experiences of love and safety, particularly in your relationships with caregivers during childhood.
When we're young, our brains are like little sponges, constantly learning what to expect from relationships. If your early experiences taught you that love is unpredictable, conditional, or requires you to be "perfect" to earn it, your nervous system learned to stay on high alert for signs of rejection or abandonment. This hypervigilance doesn't just disappear when you become an adult—it shows up in your romantic relationships as an intense need for reassurance and a fear of being alone.
Consider Maya's story. At 32, she couldn't understand why she kept attracting emotionally unavailable partners until she started connecting the dots in therapy. Growing up, her mother struggled with depression and would often emotionally withdraw for days at a time, leaving Maya feeling confused and desperate for connection. "I learned that love meant constantly trying to read someone's mood and doing whatever I could to make them happy," Maya realized. "No wonder I was drawn to people who were hard to pin down—it felt familiar."
Understanding Attachment Anxiety and Childhood Trauma
This pattern of using relationships to regulate emotions is incredibly common among people who experience limerence. When you didn't consistently receive the emotional attunement and security you needed as a child, you might unconsciously seek relationships that recreate those familiar dynamics, even when they're painful. Your nervous system recognizes the push-pull pattern as "love" because it's what you learned love looked like.
There are several trauma responses that can fuel limerence patterns. Hypervigilance to abandonment cues means you're constantly scanning your partner's behavior for signs they might leave, often misinterpreting neutral behaviors as rejection. You might find yourself becoming a relationship detective, analyzing every text for tone or meaning that might not even be there.
Perhaps most importantly, many people find themselves recreating familiar but unhealthy dynamics because their nervous system has learned to equate intensity with intimacy. If your early relationships were characterized by drama, inconsistency, or emotional volatility, stable, secure love might actually feel boring or "wrong" at first—even though it's exactly what you truly need.
Warning Signs You Might Be Experiencing Limerence
So how do you know if what you're feeling crosses the line from normal romantic excitement into limerence territory? While every person's experience is unique, there are some telltale signs that can help you recognize when your feelings have moved beyond healthy attraction.
You might be experiencing limerence if you find yourself obsessively checking their social media, not just once or twice, but multiple times throughout the day, looking for clues about their mood, activities, or feelings toward you.
Physical Symptoms and Other Red Flags
Physical symptoms are common too. You might experience a racing heart, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, or feeling almost physically ill when there's uncertainty in the dynamic. Some people describe feeling like they're running on adrenaline when things are going well, followed by an emotional crash when the person seems distant.
One of the biggest red flags is when thoughts about this person begin interfering with your daily life. You're distracted at work, canceling plans with friends to be available "just in case" they want to see you, or finding it difficult to enjoy activities that used to bring you pleasure because you're constantly wondering what they're doing or thinking about you.
Here's what's crucial to understand: if you recognize yourself in these patterns, it doesn't mean you're "crazy," "too much," or fundamentally flawed. These responses make perfect sense given your nervous system's attempts to feel safe and connected. Recognizing limerence is actually the first step toward healing and developing healthier relationship patterns.
Why Limerence Feels Compelling but Damages Your Mental Health
Limerence often feels most intense with people who are emotionally unavailable or send mixed signals. Your nervous system interprets their inconsistency as a puzzle to solve rather than a clear message to move on. The uncertainty keeps you hooked, believing that if you could just figure out the right thing to say or do, you could unlock their consistent love and attention.
Take Jessica's experience, for example. She found herself in an on-and-off dynamic with someone who would be incredibly attentive and affectionate for weeks, making her feel like she was the most important person in the world. Then, without warning, he would pull back, becoming distant and hard to reach. Instead of recognizing this as a red flag, Jessica's nervous system interpreted his withdrawal as a challenge. "I felt like I was constantly trying to get back to those amazing moments when he was fully present," she shared. "The highs were so high that I was willing to endure the lows, thinking that meant the connection was just really intense and special."
How Emotional Unavailability Triggers Limerence Patterns
What Jessica didn't realize at the time was that this pattern was actually recreating an emotional wound rather than healing it. The push-pull dynamic temporarily soothed her attachment anxiety by giving her someone to focus on and "work for," but it ultimately reinforced her deepest fear that love is conditional and requires constant effort to maintain. Each cycle left her feeling more depleted and less confident in her own worth, even as she became more attached to the outcome.
This is the cruel paradox of limerence: it promises to heal your attachment wounds but often ends up reinforcing them instead. The very intensity that feels like proof of deep connection is actually a sign that your nervous system is in a state of hyperarousal, constantly scanning for threats to the relationship and trying to control an inherently uncontrollable situation.
The Real Cost of Untreated Limerence and Attachment Anxiety
While limerence might feel like an intense form of love, the reality is that staying trapped in these patterns comes with significant costs that extend far beyond your romantic life.
Perhaps the most devastating impact is what happens to your sense of self. When your emotional well-being becomes entirely dependent on another person's responses, you gradually lose touch with your own needs, desires, and boundaries. You might find yourself becoming someone you don't recognize—constantly accommodating, people-pleasing, or suppressing parts of yourself to maintain the connection. Over time, this erodes your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you feeling like you're not enough just as you are.
The pattern doesn't stop with one relationship either. Without addressing the underlying attachment wounds that fuel limerence, you're likely to find yourself attracted to similar dynamics again and again.
The ripple effects touch every area of your life. Work performance often suffers when you're constantly distracted by relationship anxiety. Friendships can deteriorate when you're always canceling plans or unable to be fully present because you're preoccupied with your romantic situation. Hobbies and interests that once brought you joy might feel meaningless when all your emotional energy is focused on one person.
Perhaps most importantly, the time and emotional energy spent in these cycles represents time not spent building the kind of stable, fulfilling relationship you actually want. Each limerence experience can last months or even years, during which you're not available for the kind of healthy love that could truly nourish you.
How Cincinnati Attachment Therapy Can Help You Break Free from Limerence
The good news is that limerence patterns can be healed. As local Cincinnati-based therapists specializing in attachment anxiety, we've seen many clients break free from these exhausting cycles and build the capacity for secure, fulfilling relationships. Many clients in the Cincinnati area struggle with similar patterns, and working with a therapist who understands attachment dynamics and trauma can provide the support you need.
How Therapy Helps With Attachment Healing
The first step in therapy often involves understanding your unique attachment style and how it developed. This isn't about blame or dwelling on the past, but rather about making sense of your patterns so you can begin to change them. When you understand why your nervous system responds the way it does, you can start to develop compassion for yourself and recognize that your responses have been adaptive attempts to feel safe and connected.
A significant part of the work involves processing underlying trauma and attachment wounds that fuel limerence. This might include exploring early relationships with caregivers, understanding how those experiences shaped your beliefs about love and safety, and gently healing the parts of you that learned to equate intensity with intimacy. Trauma-informed therapy approaches can help your nervous system learn new ways of being in relationship that feel both safe and fulfilling.
Building Secure Attachment Through Professional Counseling
Perhaps most importantly, therapy helps you develop the capacity for secure attachment patterns. This involves learning to maintain your sense of self within relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and recognizing what genuine emotional safety feels like. You'll begin to understand the difference between healthy interdependence and the kind of emotional fusion that characterizes limerence.
Consider Rachel's journey. When she started therapy six months ago, she was coming out of yet another emotionally draining relationship with someone who gave her just enough attention to keep her hooked but never enough to feel secure. "I kept thinking there was something wrong with me for wanting more consistency," she shared. Through therapy, Rachel began to understand how her childhood experience of having to earn love through achievement had set her up to be attracted to partners who withheld affection. Six months later, she's learning to notice early red flags, communicate her needs directly, and most importantly, she's developing a sense of her own worth that doesn't depend on someone else's validation. "I'm actually dating someone now who texts back consistently and makes plans in advance," she laughs. "It felt weird at first because it wasn't dramatic, but I'm learning that boring can actually be beautiful."
The timeline for healing varies for everyone, but many people begin to notice shifts in their patterns within the first few months of therapy. The work isn't about never feeling attracted to anyone again or becoming emotionally closed off—it's about developing the skills to recognize healthy connection and the confidence to pursue relationships that truly serve you.
Find Freedom from Obsessive Love: Your Next Steps in Cincinnati
If you've made it this far, you're already taking the first brave step toward change. Understanding limerence and its connection to attachment anxiety isn't just academic knowledge—it's the beginning of your path to freedom from these exhausting patterns.
Imagine what it would feel like to enter relationships from a place of wholeness rather than need. Picture yourself with someone who responds to your texts consistently, makes plans in advance, and doesn't leave you guessing about their feelings. Envision having the confidence to recognize red flags early and the self-worth to walk away from situations that don't serve you. This isn't just a fantasy—it's entirely possible.
Healthy love exists, and you deserve to experience it. It might look different from the intensity you've known—it's steadier, more peaceful, and allows you to remain yourself within the connection. It's the kind of love that enhances your life rather than consuming it.
You don't have to figure this out alone. Cincinnati residents seeking help with limerence can find the support they need through specialized attachment therapy. If you're ready to explore what healthy love could feel like for you, we invite you to book a free 15-minute consultation. In this conversation, we can discuss your specific situation and explore how therapy might help you break free from limerence patterns and build the secure, fulfilling relationships you truly want.
Ready to take the next step? Book your free 15-minute consultation here and let's start your journey toward healthier love together.