Why Going Slow in New Relationships Is the Best Thing You Can Do (Even When Everything Feels Perfect)
You've been on two dates with someone amazing. Your phone lights up with a text from them, and your heart races. You analyze every word, every emoji, searching for hidden meaning. You're already imagining introducing them to your friends, planning weekend getaways together, and wondering if they're "the one." But here's the thing – it's only been two weeks.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. The excitement of meeting someone new can feel intoxicating, like you've finally found what you've been looking for. That rush of butterflies, the constant texting, staying up until 3 AM talking – it all feels so right. But often, that intensity isn't the sign of true compatibility you think it is. In fact, moving too fast can actually prevent you from seeing who this person really is and whether they're genuinely right for you.
The truth is, going slow in relationships isn't about playing games or pretending you're not interested. It's about protecting your peace, getting to know someone beyond the highlight reel, and building something real instead of something that burns bright and fast before fizzling out. In this post, we'll explore why so many of us rush into relationships, the connection between anxious attachment and moving too quickly, and most importantly, how therapy can help you break the cycle and build the secure, healthy relationships you deserve.
The Rush: Why We Get Overly Excited Too Quickly
When you meet someone and there's instant chemistry, it can feel magical – like the universe brought you together. That spark, that excitement, that feeling of "finally!" can be so powerful that you mistake it for deep compatibility. But chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.
Chemistry is that immediate attraction, the butterflies, the excitement. It's driven by neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine flooding your brain, creating feelings of euphoria and obsession. Compatibility, on the other hand, is about shared values, similar life goals, healthy communication patterns, and mutual respect. You can have incredible chemistry with someone who is completely wrong for you.
Limerence and Fantasy Bonding
This is where the concept of limerence comes in. Limerence is an obsessive, all-consuming infatuation with someone that goes beyond a typical crush. When you're experiencing limerence, you're not really seeing the person clearly – you're seeing an idealized version of them. You're replaying conversations in your head, analyzing their every word and gesture, and fantasizing about a future together based more on hope than reality.
The dangerous part? Limerence feels exactly like love. But it's not. It's an intense emotional state that can cause you to overlook red flags, ignore your intuition, and rush into commitment with someone you barely know.
This leads to what therapists call fantasy bonding – projecting an idealized version onto someone new and falling in love with their potential rather than their reality. You fill in the gaps of what you don't know about them with what you hope is true. You see the best in them while minimizing or ignoring anything that doesn't fit your fantasy. The problem is, you're not building a relationship with a real person – you're building one with someone who exists primarily in your imagination.
The Role of Anxious Attachment
So why do some people experience this more intensely than others? The answer often lies in attachment theory.
Attachment theory explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape how we connect with romantic partners as adults. If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving – where your needs were sometimes met with love and attention, but other times ignored or dismissed – you likely developed an anxious attachment style.
People with anxious attachment crave closeness and connection but simultaneously fear abandonment and rejection. This creates a pattern of relationship behaviors that can include:
Needing constant reassurance that your partner cares about you
Fear of abandonment that makes you cling tighter when you sense distance
Putting your partner's needs before your own, sometimes losing yourself in the process
Texting anxiety when they don't respond immediately, leading to catastrophic thoughts
Overanalyzing every interaction for signs they're losing interest or planning to leave
When you have anxious attachment, meeting someone new who shows interest in you can trigger an intense response. Their attention feels like the validation you've been craving, and the uncertainty about whether they'll stay activates your deepest fears. This combination can cause you to become emotionally invested far too quickly, before you've had time to truly know if this person is right for you.
Sarah, 24, came to therapy at Therapy Cincinnati after her third relationship in two years ended the same way. She'd meet someone, feel an instant connection, and within weeks she was all-in – planning their future, talking about moving in together, introducing them to her family. By month three, she'd realize they weren't who she thought they were. One partner was emotionally unavailable despite saying all the right things. Another wasn't ready for commitment but enjoyed the attention. The pattern? Sarah was romanticizing their potential instead of seeing who they actually were. She was so focused on not losing them that she never stopped to ask if they were even right for her.
The Red Flags You Miss When You're Moving Too Fast
When you're caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, your brain isn't exactly working in your favor. The cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine that floods your system during early-stage romance doesn't just make you feel good – it literally impacts your ability to think clearly and objectively.
Research shows that when we're in the throes of new relationship energy, the part of our brain responsible for critical thinking and judgment becomes less active. At the same time, the reward centers light up like a Christmas tree. This means you're experiencing intense feelings of pleasure and excitement while your ability to assess whether this person is actually good for you is diminished. It's not that you're being naive or foolish – your brain chemistry is working against you.
When you're moving too fast, you don't give yourself time to see someone across different contexts and situations. You see their best self – the version they present on dates when they're trying to impress you. You don't see how they handle stress, disappointment, or conflict. You don't see how they treat service workers, how they talk about their exes, or how they respond when they don't get their way. All of these things reveal character, but they take time to observe.
The Benefits of Going Slow (That Your Anxious Brain Won't Tell You)
Your anxious attachment system is going to tell you that going slow is dangerous. It will whisper that if you don't lock this down now, you'll lose them. That if you don't text back immediately, they'll think you're not interested. That if you don't say yes to every date, they'll find someone else. But here's what your anxiety won't tell you: going slow is actually the path to getting what you really want – a secure, healthy, lasting relationship.
You Get to Actually Know Them
When you slow down, you give yourself the gift of time – time to see who this person really is beyond the charming first-date version of themselves. You get to observe them in different contexts and situations. How do they handle stress when their work project falls apart? How do they treat the waiter when their order is wrong? What do they do when you're not available at their convenience?
You get to watch whether their actions match their words. It's easy to say you're looking for something serious, that you value communication, that you're emotionally available. But do they actually demonstrate these things over time? Do they follow through on plans? Do they show up when it's not convenient or exciting? Do they stay consistent even after the novelty wears off?
Going slow means you get to understand their values, not just their "best foot forward." You learn what matters to them, how they spend their time, what they're working toward, how they handle conflict and disappointment. You discover whether you're compatible on the things that actually matter – not just whether you have good chemistry and similar taste in movies.
Think of it this way: the person you meet on dates 1-5 is essentially a stranger putting their best self forward. The person you know at month 6 is much closer to who they actually are. Going slow gives you access to the real person, not just the highlight reel.
You Protect Your Peace
When you rush into relationships, you experience emotional whiplash. One day you're on cloud nine because he texted you good morning. The next day you're devastated because he seemed distant. Your mood becomes entirely dependent on someone else's behavior, and that's an exhausting way to live.
Going slow helps you maintain your emotional stability. You keep your own life, your own identity, your own friendships and hobbies. You don't cancel plans with your best friend every time he's available. You don't abandon your yoga class or book club to be available whenever he wants to hang out. You maintain the things that make you you, which means you're building a relationship from a place of security and fullness rather than desperation and emptiness.
You're also not losing yourself in someone else. When you move too fast, it's easy to start molding yourself to fit what you think they want. You laugh at jokes you don't find funny. You pretend to like activities you're not interested in. You hide parts of yourself that you're afraid might scare them away. Going slow gives you the space to stay connected to yourself while getting to know them.
You Build Trust (In Yourself)
One of the most underrated benefits of going slow is that you learn to tolerate uncertainty – and that's a superpower for anxious attachment. Every time you resist the urge to text them when you're anxious, every time you sit with the discomfort of not knowing exactly where things stand, every time you trust that if they're the right person they won't disappear – you're building trust in yourself.
You're learning that you can handle your own emotions. You're proving to yourself that uncertainty doesn't have to be catastrophic. You're developing confidence in your judgment about people. You're honoring your boundaries and discovering that doing so doesn't push the right people away – it actually attracts them.
Here's a truth that anxious attachment makes hard to believe: if someone is truly right for you, going slow won't scare them away. A secure, emotionally available person will respect your pace. They'll appreciate that you're being intentional about building something real. They won't pressure you or make you feel like you're going to lose them if you don't rush.
If someone does pull away because you want to take things slow, that's actually valuable information. It tells you they were more interested in intensity than intimacy, more focused on the chase than the connection. And that's not someone you want to build a life with anyway.
You See If They're Consistent
Actions over time matter infinitely more than intense moments. Anyone can be charming and attentive for a few weeks. Anyone can say the right things when they're trying to win you over. But consistency – showing up reliably, following through on promises, maintaining interest even when it's not new and exciting – that reveals character.
Going slow gives you the time to observe patterns. Do they consistently make time for you, or is it sporadic? Do they communicate clearly about their intentions and availability, or do you constantly feel confused about where you stand? Do they remain respectful and kind even when they're stressed or upset, or does their behavior change dramatically based on their mood?
When you rush, you miss these patterns. You give someone the benefit of the doubt based on potential rather than proof. Going slow requires proof. It asks: Don't just tell me who you are – show me, over time, with consistency.
You Create a Stronger Foundation
Relationships that are built slowly tend to last longer. This isn't just anecdotal – research supports it. When you take time to really know someone, when you build emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, when you assess compatibility on multiple levels before committing, you're creating a foundation that can weather challenges.
You're also making decisions based on reality, not fantasy. You're choosing each other intentionally, with clear eyes, having seen both the good and the less-than-perfect. You know what you're signing up for. There are fewer surprises, fewer "I didn't know they were like this" moments down the road.
Most importantly, you're both choosing each other – not just trying not to lose each other. There's a huge difference. When you rush, you're often operating from fear: fear of being alone, fear of missing out, fear that you won't find anyone else. When you go slow, you have the space to choose from a place of genuine desire and compatibility. And that makes all the difference.
This blog is already getting to be pretty long, so we’ll continue with a future part 2, where we will discuss practical strategies on how to go slow, and how therapy can help.