You're three months into dating someone, and you can't shake this nagging feeling. He's not doing anything obviously wrong—he's not mean, he texts back, he shows up when he says he will. But something feels... off. You don't feel peaceful. You feel anxious. You're constantly analyzing his words, wondering what he really meant, questioning if you're being too sensitive or if your gut is trying to tell you something important.
Sound familiar?
If you're a young woman navigating relationships in your 20s, you've probably heard the term "red flags" thrown around. But when you're in the middle of a relationship—especially one where you've invested time, emotion, and trust—those red flags can be very hard to see. They're even harder to act on when someone you care about is making you doubt your own intuition.
Here's the truth: Your gut feeling isn't you being paranoid or insecure. It's your intuition trying to protect you. And learning to recognize the difference between red flags (emotionally unhealthy behavior or incompatibility) and green flags (signs of a trustworthy, emotionally available partner) can save you months or even years of heartache.
At Therapy Cincinnati, we specialize in attachment-based therapy and EMDR for young women dealing with relationship anxiety, boundary struggles, and understanding healthy relationship patterns. We've worked with countless women in their 20s who've been exactly where you are right now. This guide will show you some of the practical skills we help our clients learn so they can feel more secure in their relationships.
Why It's So Hard to Spot Red Flags (And Why That's Not Your Fault)
The Rose-Colored Glasses Effect
When you're falling for someone, your brain literally works against your ability to see problems clearly. The early stages of relationships flood your system with dopamine and oxytocin—the same chemicals that create addiction. This neurochemical cocktail makes you focus on all the good moments while minimizing or excusing concerning behaviors.
You remember the sweet text he sent last week, but downplay the fact that he makes you feel guilty every time you want to see your friends. You focus on when things are good, while ignoring that, you're constantly walking on eggshells around his moods. This isn't weakness—it's biology. Your brain is literally designed to bond, even when that bond isn't healthy.
When Red Flags Feel Like Home: Understanding Attachment Issues
Here's something that might surprise you: sometimes we're attracted to people who hurt us because their behavior feels familiar. If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving—a parent who was sometimes loving and sometimes distant or harsh—you might unconsciously seek out partners who recreate that same push-pull dynamic.
In attachment-based therapy, we call these "attachment styles." If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or untrustworthy because the anxiety they create feels normal to you. The constant wondering, the need to check in, the fear of abandonment—it mirrors what you experienced growing up.
Similarly, if infidelity was present in your family (emotional unavailability, criticism, or controlling behavior was present in your family), you might not immediately recognize those same patterns in your own relationships because they don't register as abnormal. Your "picker" is calibrated to what you saw growing up, not necessarily to what's healthy.
This is exactly why therapy for relationship issues—particularly attachment-based therapy—can be so transformative. It helps you understand why you're attracted to certain types of people and recalibrate your internal warning system.
Cultural Pressures on Young Women
Let's talk about the messages you've been getting your entire life. Be understanding. Give him another chance. Don't be too demanding. Don't seem jealous or insecure. Boys will be boys. He's under a lot of stress. Maybe you're not meeting his needs. You’re too sensitive.
These messages prime you to ignore your intuition and excuse bad behavior. When you notice red flags, you might talk yourself out of it because you don't want to be "that girl"—the needy, high-maintenance, difficult girlfriend. Dating culture, especially with apps and social media, has normalized behaviors that would have been clear deal-breakers a generation ago.
Here's what we want you to know: Having standards and boundaries doesn't make you difficult. It makes you emotionally intelligent.
The Green Flag Checklist: What Trustworthy Actually Looks Like
Before we get to the red flags, let’s start with the positive and focus on what a healthy relationship might look like. We use the term “green flags” when someone acts in a way that shows they are a healthy potential partner. Green flags aren't flashy or dramatic—they're consistent, quiet, and create a sense of peace rather than chaos.
Transparency and Open Communication
1. Willingly Shares His Life With You
He tells you about his day without you having to interrogate him. You know his friends, his coworkers, his schedule. He's introduced you to the important people in his life. His phone isn't a source of anxiety because he has nothing to hide.
2. Actions Always Match His Words
When he says he'll call, he calls. When he makes plans, he follows through. His location matches where he said he'd be. There's no mystery about where he is or who he's with. This consistency builds trust naturally.
3. Responds to Questions Without Defensiveness
You can ask normal questions like "Who's that texting?" or "What are you doing tonight?" and get straightforward answers without drama. He understands that transparency is part of building trust.
Emotional Availability and Respect
1. Takes Accountability When He Messes Up
Nobody's perfect, but healthy partners own their mistakes. He apologizes genuinely when he hurts you, doesn't make excuses, and actually changes the behavior. He doesn't gaslight you or make you feel crazy for being upset about legitimate issues.
2. Respectful During Conflict
When you disagree, he stays calm and wants to understand your perspective. He doesn't yell, shut down, leave, or make everything your fault. He can handle difficult conversations without making you feel bad for having needs or boundaries.
3. Supports Your Independence
He's happy when you spend time with friends, pursue your goals, and have your own life. He doesn't guilt-trip you for having interests outside the relationship. Healthy partners want you to be whole, independent people—not just extensions of themselves.
Character That Shows Up Consistently
1. Treats Everyone With Respect
Pay attention to how he treats service workers, his family, people he has nothing to gain from. Good character isn't something someone turns on and off—it's consistent across all situations.
2. Has Done His Own Work
He's gone to therapy, worked on his issues, and is self-aware about his patterns. He can talk about past relationships without making every ex the villain. He takes responsibility for his part in past failures.
3. Your Gut Feels Calm, Not Constantly Anxious
This might be the biggest green flag of all: you feel peaceful in the relationship. You're not constantly checking his phone, stalking his social media, or wondering where he is. You trust him because he's given you consistent reasons to trust him.
Remember: Green flags feel steady and calm. If you're constantly anxious, even without concrete evidence, that anxiety itself is information.
The Red Flag Checklist: Warning Signs He's Not Emotionally Healthy
Understanding red flags isn't about being hypervigilant—it's about protecting your peace and recognizing patterns early. You're not looking for perfection; you're looking for emotional maturity, self-awareness, and the capacity for genuine connection.
Boundary Red Flags
Treats Your "No" as a Negotiation When you decline something—plans, physical intimacy, sharing personal information—he doesn't accept it. He asks repeatedly, sulks, withdraws affection, or makes you feel guilty ("I guess you don't care about me that much").
Healthy looks like: He accepts your no gracefully without making his disappointment your problem to fix.
Love-Bombing: Too Much, Too Soon Within the first few dates, he's talking about how special you are, planning your future together, or wanting constant contact. The intensity feels flattering but overwhelming. Love-bombing creates artificial intimacy before real trust exists.
Healthy looks like: Interest that builds naturally over time, respecting that real intimacy requires patience.
Pushes Physical Boundaries He pressures you for physical intimacy before you're ready, gets upset when you want to slow down, or "accidentally" crosses boundaries repeatedly. This is non-negotiable territory.
Healthy looks like: Complete respect for your physical boundaries without guilt or pressure.
Communication Red Flags
Words and Actions Don't Align He says he wants a relationship but won't define what you are after months. He promises to work on issues but nothing changes. He makes plans then frequently cancels. This creates cognitive dissonance—you focus on his words while ignoring his actions.
Healthy looks like: Consistency between words and actions. When he says something, he follows through.
Cannot Handle Conflict Bringing up concerns triggers defensiveness: he gets angry, shuts down, turns it around so you're apologizing, or uses phrases like "You're too sensitive." This makes you feel crazy for having normal relationship needs.
Healthy looks like: He can hear your concerns without defensiveness and works toward resolution.
Everything Becomes About Him Conversations are one-sided. He dominates with his stories, gives minimal response to yours, doesn't ask follow-up questions. You know everything about him; he knows little about you.
Healthy looks like: Balanced conversations where both people show genuine curiosity about each other.
Emotional Availability Red Flags
Cannot Discuss Feelings Any emotional conversation makes him uncomfortable. He changes the subject, makes jokes to deflect, or says "I'm just not an emotional person." While people have different comfort levels, complete inability to engage with feelings makes real intimacy impossible.
Healthy looks like: Willingness to have conversations about feelings without shutting down.
Keeps You Compartmentalized After months, you haven't met his friends or family. He maintains strict separation between "relationship time" and the rest of his life. You feel like a secret.
Healthy looks like: Natural progression of integrating into each other's lives.
Permanent Relationship Limbo He won't define the relationship, says "Let's just see where it goes" indefinitely, or gets evasive about future plans. While healthy relationships don't rush labels, extended uncertainty signals lack of genuine interest.
Healthy looks like: Willingness to have conversations about where things are going at appropriate times.
Character Red Flags
Dishonesty About Small Things You catch him in little lies about where he was or what he was doing. He tells different versions of the same story. If someone lies about small things, they'll lie about big things.
Healthy looks like: Straightforward honesty, even when uncomfortable.
Cruelty Disguised as Jokes He makes "jokes" that insult you, then says "I was just kidding" when you're hurt. He teases you about insecurities you've shared. Jokes reveal what someone really thinks.
Healthy looks like: Humor that brings you closer, never at your expense.
Treats People Poorly Watch how he treats servers, retail workers, people he considers "beneath" him. How someone treats people they have nothing to gain from shows their true character.
Healthy looks like: Consistent kindness regardless of someone's status or usefulness.
Jealousy Masked as "Caring" He gets upset when you mention other men, needs to know where you are constantly, checks your phone or social media, or doesn't like your male friends. This isn't love—it's insecurity and control.
Healthy looks like: Trust without constant reassurance or surveillance.
Overall Dynamic Red Flags
Constant Anxiety, Not Peace You're always on edge, overanalyzing every text, walking on eggshells. Your stomach drops when his name appears on your phone. Anxiety in a relationship is often your body telling you something.
Healthy looks like: You feel calm and safe. You can relax and be yourself.
Constantly Making Excuses You find yourself explaining away his behavior to friends: "He's just stressed," "He had a rough childhood," "He doesn't mean it that way." If you're constantly defending him, you're working harder to make the relationship make sense than enjoying it.
Healthy looks like: His behavior speaks for itself without translation.
Remember This
One red flag doesn't mean end things immediately. We all have bad days and growing edges. But a pattern of red flags—especially if they're not improving despite conversations—is critical information.
Trust what you see repeatedly, not what you're told occasionally.
The most important question isn't "Is he perfect?" It's "Does this relationship allow me to be my best self? Do I feel safe, valued, and peaceful?"
Your gut knows the answer. Therapy can help you learn to trust it.
How to Use the Red & Green Flags Technique
The Mindful Tracking Method
Instead of obsessing or spiraling, try this: keep simple notes on your phone about specific behaviors you notice—not your interpretations, just the facts. "He said he was at Mike's house but his location showed downtown" rather than "He's definitely cheating."
Review these notes weekly. Do you see patterns? Are the red flags increasing or decreasing? Are there more green flags or red flags overall? This method helps you see clearly instead of staying stuck in confusion.
The Gut-Check Questions
Ask yourself honestly:
"Do I feel more anxious or more peaceful in this relationship?"
"Am I constantly making excuses for his behavior?"
"Would I want my best friend to date someone who treats her this way?"
"Am I ignoring my intuition to avoid being single?"
These questions cut through the confusion and help you access your own wisdom.
What To Do When You Spot Red Flags
Don't ignore them hoping they'll go away. Instead:
Name the pattern to yourself or a trusted friend
Set a clear boundary and observe how he responds
Trust the pattern, not the explanation or apology
Don't wait for it to get worse—patterns that are already present will likely continue or escalate
Setting a boundary might sound like: "I need to be with someone who's transparent about their schedule. If you can't share where you are and who you're with, this relationship won't work for me." His response to that boundary tells you everything.
Why Therapy Helps You Recognize Healthy Partners
Understanding Your Own Patterns
If you keep finding yourself in relationships with men who cheat, lie, or betray your trust, attachment-based therapy can help you understand why. Often, these patterns stem from childhood experiences that taught you what to expect from relationships.
At Therapy Cincinnati, we use attachment-based therapy to help young women understand:
Why you're attracted to certain types of people
How your childhood experiences shape your adult relationships
Where your internal "warning system" might be miscalibrated
How to recognize healthy love versus familiar (but unhealthy) patterns
Healing From Infidelity and Betrayal
If you've been cheated on—whether in your current relationship or past ones—that trauma doesn't just disappear. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is particularly effective for processing betrayal trauma and infidelity.
EMDR helps you:
Process the painful memories without being overwhelmed by them
Reduce the triggers and anxiety that come from past betrayals
Rebuild your ability to trust (yourself and others)
Move forward without carrying old wounds into new relationships
Building Relationship Skills for the Future
Therapy isn't just about healing the past—it's about building skills for healthier relationships moving forward. In our work with young women dealing with relationship issues, we focus on:
Communicating boundaries effectively without feeling guilty
Recognizing and expressing your needs clearly
Trusting your intuition instead of second-guessing yourself
Understanding what you truly want (versus what feels familiar)
Breaking the Cycle
Many women come to us saying, "I keep ending up with the same type of guy." That's not coincidence—it's pattern. The good news? Patterns can be changed with the right support.
Ready to Trust Yourself Again? Let's Talk.
If you're recognizing these patterns in your dating life —whether you keep missing red flags, find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people, or struggle to trust your own judgment—you don't have to figure this out alone..
At Therapy Cincinnati, we offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where we can:
Discuss your specific relationship concerns
Explain how attachment-based therapy and EMDR can help
Answer your questions about the therapy process
See if we're the right fit for you—with absolutely no pressure
This consultation is specifically for women in the Cincinnati area who are struggling with relationship issues, trust concerns, or healing from infidelity. Whether you're trying to decide if you should stay or go, or you've already left and need help healing, we're here.
What Makes Therapy Cincinnati Different
Our group practice specializes in helping women at all stages of life navigate relationship challenges. We're not here to tell you what to do—we're here to help you trust yourself enough to make the right decision for you. Our therapists are trained in:
Attachment-based therapy to understand your relationship patterns
EMDR therapy to heal from past relationship trauma
Compassionate, judgment-free support as you figure out your next steps
You can meet with us in person at our Cincinnati office or via secure online therapy sessions—whatever works best for your schedule. Book your free 15-minute consultation by clicking on the orange "Contact Us" button on the top of the page to schedule a free consultation call with us right now on our website. You can also fill out our contact information page, and we usually get back to people within 24 hours.
You deserve relationships that feel peaceful, not chaotic. You deserve partners who are trustworthy, not suspicious. And you deserve support as you figure out what's next.
Next Steps
Learning to spot red flags—especially signs of emotional unavailability, poor boundaries, or incompatibility—isn't about becoming suspicious or jaded. It's about developing the wisdom to recognize what healthy love actually looks like. Green flags might not be as exciting as the roller coaster of red flag relationships, but they create the foundation for real, lasting connection.
The patterns that brought you here developed over years—they won't change overnight. But with the right support, you can learn to recognize red flags earlier, trust your intuition more deeply, and build the healthy relationship you deserve.
Take the first step today. Book your free consultation with us by clicking on the orange "Contact Us" button on the top of the page, and start trusting yourself again.